So I’ve Recently Discovered Football…
…and I’ve got to say, as someone who doesn’t know a TON about but knows enough to make an argument, I must confess that I believe football these days is just sad. Sad. As. Hell.
Too many pussy rules. Too many pussy players. Too much hoity-toity prissy BS.
Let’s think back. A few hundred years.
Carl Sagan once wrote that sports were invented to channel man’s natural instinct to battle each other and hunt. Gladiator games were some of the first, and weren’t too much of a step away from the bloodiness and being survival-focused like war was. Eventually, over thousands and thousands of years, man took it down a few billion notches and it became way less bloody and life-threatening.
Present day. Enter American football.
I may have never been a hardcore fan of the sport, but I grew up in a family chock-full of football fans and it was always around me. I know how important it is to some people. I know just by being American that it’s considered to be a huge part of our culture, and some players are looked up to as heroes. Maybe players back at the beginning of the 20th century are heroes, but players these days have fallen a few lifetimes SHORT of that honor. Not to mention that they’re made to play by ridiculous rules written by whiny officials who have to hear from whiny coaches how their star players are being injured too badly.
I’m sorry, but WHAT???
So here comes a letter to all professional football players, their coaches, and anyone else who has a say in the making of rules, plays, etc.
Dear NFL Collective:
I usually like to start out a letter by being articulate and clever, and gradually ease in to delivering the punch subtlety, but I’m not in that kind of mood today. So I’d like to abandon beating around the bush today and come right out with saying that I think the majority of you are fucking Pampers-wearing whiny idiots.
First of all, some of these rules are just pussy. There should be no such things as touchbacks. You are paid to play football. You are paid to get your jerseys dirty. You are paid to get injured. So I don’t want you to play it safe and take a knee. I want you to run full-speed into in the opposite team. Quit being a pussy. I am watching football, and it’s boring enough as it is. ENTERTAIN ME WITH BUSTED KNEECAPS AND ALL THAT SHIT. Oh, you broke your ankle? BOOHOO you get paid enough. Let the benchwarmer peel himself off the bench for a while and get his face on camera for two seconds. We’ve seen your ugly mugs enough. Rudy wants a chance to play, too.
Preseason is fucking gay. It exists only to let the benchwarmers have a chance to play. God forbid they let them play during the real season. God forbid Michael Vick hurts himself before REGULAR season starts. They feel so sorry for those guys that they have to give them their own season. and they put a nice prefix on it.
It seems like football and other sports have gone from a real, gritty, “too-fucking-bad-if-something-shit-happened-play-through-it-adapt-and-overcome-or-gtfo” to…”oh-fucking-no-you-didn’t-just-give-my-star-player-a-titty-twister-on-the-field-I’mma-fine-you-a-billion-dollars”-bulllllllcrap.
These guys get paid way too much money.
I want to hear their limbs snap when I watch them play.
I want them to be caked in mud.
I want to see blood.
I want there to be no more touchbacks. No more touchbacks, or I run out on the field myself and grab the ball and haul ass.